It’s been a very long time since I wrote. Far longer than I would have liked. But this fall, things got complicated for me. I have been very open about my struggle with depression and anxiety. Back in October, I saw myself fall into a deep depression that I wasn’t sure how I was getting out of. I stopped working out, I stopped eating healthy-ish (I had started Weight Watchers in August). But in the past month or so, I started feeling different. I didn’t have a word for how I was feeling.
That’s because I was feeling happy, and it had been so long since I felt so happy, I didn’t recognize how I felt. When I was depressed, I had spurts of happiness obviously, I wasn’t miserable 24/7, but this type of happiness was different. I felt alive again. One time, I had a friend describe me as “being like a ghost” and that I wasn’t all there when I was depressed. Now, I felt fully present. For the first time since I was 19 – when I was diagnosed – at almost 26, I felt like myself.
It was crazy! When I made the realization, I couldn’t believe it. Me! I felt like myself again. It was like I had been lost for a while and just wandered back. Lost for a long freaking while, but at least I came back.
Peace and Love,
I came back.
I don’t think I have the words to describe how I felt when I realized I was getting better. That the darkness of depression wasn’t consuming my life anymore. Victor Hugo wrote, “Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise.” (1862) And it did. I saw a sunrise that I don’t know if I believed in anymore. But I did it. I could even feel hopeful for the future. I came back.
Maybe you think I’m being dramatic. But mental illness really sucks. There were times I didn’t enjoy anything. Or would talk multiple naps in a day. Now, it is so different. I’m not sleeping as much (although I wish I wasn’t waking up at 7 AM on the weekends!), and I’m doing things. I’m back at the gym and getting a routine there, although I’m not quite as lucky in the healthy eating department (I’ll get there). I’m so much more productive. I’m getting things organized, I’ve gone through clothes I don’t wear anymore. I’m planning ahead. I picked out all of my outfits for the work week ahead of time! I’ve never done that in my life! I know that it can come back. I’m still definitely having problems with anxiety. There are still challenges to face and hurdles to clear. But I have definitely made progress, and that means the world to me. It’s like seeing an entirely new person in the mirror. It’s been almost seven years, I’m looking forward to getting to know myself again. I hope you are too.
With all of that said, I’m hoping to take this back up. I have a few blog post ideas stirring and I think I am going to be better organized with it. I’m very open to ideas and suggestions! It’s a new day with opportunity and my own future to write. I like that. I’m hopeful. And I hope you’ll join me. I’m very glad to be back.